A true mountain Olympics
Let’s have our own Gilpin County Olympics!
Lot’s of folks were watching the Vancouver winter Olympics last week. But, why not have our own Gilpin County Olympics featuring our very own special mountain contests? Here are my suggestions.
The Tow Chain Untangle
Many of our citizens have a tow chain ready to yank their neighbors out of ditches or their own driveways. Lots of folks with big trucks enjoy pulling their neighbors, friends, even enemies, out of these snow drifts. True tow chain Olympians compete about how fast they can do it. Normally these tow chains are in closets under heaps of junk, or mud rooms under heaps of other stuff. Sometimes they’re in the back of trucks under heaps of still other stuff. Sometimes they are, well, who knows where. The contest is to get those chains out, untangle them, and attach them to the vehicle that’s stuck. Then you, pull out the vehicle and get rewards from the owner such as hugs and kisses, free beer, etc. It’s a better reward than some old medal. We do it right in these mountains.
Awarding Points In Tow Chain Untangle
Points are awarded for length of time finding the tow chains as well as how long it takes to unwind each kink in the chain. Techniques include the g-d pull. Here the participant grabs any end and just pulls while cussing loudly. This can work, but often makes the tangle worse. Another technique is to lay the chain out in the snow under the starlight (it always is night) and chant over it. Still another technique is to build a small fire under the chain and get at least some of the attached ice off the links.
Point deductions: For pulling the bumper off the towed vehicle. For breaking the tow chain. For pulling the tail gate off the towed truck. For leaving the scene and going to the bar to re-think. Extra points are awarded for patience and style. Real mountain style includes offering your Carharts to the stuck person if they’ll just slide under there and hook up the tow chain. Other style points include flourishing the untangled chain and petting the dog in the stuck vehicle. Speeds are highly variable for this event. Average qualifiers do this whole thing in 31 minutes, but some have qualified in two days. No points are awarded if participants call Tim over at Help Towing or make a quick call to Black Hawk Towing.
The Post Office Dash
Since most of our local post offices and the Credit Union in Black Hawk close for lunch, most mountain folks wait till ten minutes before the closing then hop in the old jalopy and put the pedal to the metal. Points are awarded for pulling into the Post Office without looking in either direction. Extra points if you cut off a State Trooper with the move. Still more points if you leave the car running and then sprint up to the window all out of breath.
Deductions: If you forget the stuff you were going to mail. Still more deductions if you discover the due date on your credit card bill was yesterday anyway. Times vary, but one Central City citizen claims to have done this from her home to the Post Office in six minutes, five horn honks, two bad fingers, one shaken fist, and one other vehicle ending up on the sidewalk.
The Wood Pile One Foot
Points here begin when the participant realizes the wood box is empty. Participant puts on the one boot he or she can find. Participant hops on one foot to the wood pile and gathers firewood. Extra points if the one found boot is actually tied. Times vary greatly, but can range up to five minutes.
Deductions: No extra points for returning without any wood and shouting at cabin mate to go get it her/himself.
The Marital Relay
Participants must be married couples (or at least mountain style married) and own an older pick-up truck without four wheel drive. The truck must have no weight of any kind in the truck bed, this includes anything other than the set of tire chains. The course includes any county road leading up to the cabin, or the long uphill drive leading the same place. Play begins after any big snow dump. The woman suggests that they put the chains on the pick-up so they can make it home. The man replies that he’s been driving trucks since he was fourteen and can darn well make it up there. Points are given for the amount of time the man can hold out. The woman gains points for each time the truck slides backwards.
Penalties: If the truck actually ends up in the ditch the man is penalized. If the woman actually gets out and starts walking she has forfeited.
Awarding Points In The Marital Relay
The marital relay aspect occurs during the next trip up the same stretch of road. This time the woman is at the wheel, and the tire chains are on the truck.
Deductions: If she can’t get up the hill he gets points. If she gets half way up she gets half points and so on. The relay continues until spring, or when a divorce ends the contest.
The Jumper Cable Jump
Participants must be alone and temperature in Gilpin County must be zero or below. Two vehicles are needed, one which will start and one which will not start. Participant coasts the running vehicle to within cable stretching distance of the nonstarter. Jumper cables are extended from the running vehicle’s battery to the dead vehicles battery. Participant jumps over the cables and gooses the accelerator in the running vehicle to keep it going. Participant then jumps back over the cables to the dead battery and makes sure the cables are attached to negative and positive terminals even though they are completely covered with green corrosion. Participant then jumps back over cables to running vehicle to goose accelerator. Participant then jumps back to dead vehicle, turns key and hits that accelerator hoping for a start.
Awarding Points In Jumper Cable Jumping
Points are awarded for general agility in jumping back and forth over the cables.
Deductions: If the participant’s black lab is standing behind participant and he falls backward over the dog, points are deducted. If participant cusses and stands up suddenly hitting head on hood, points are deducted. If both vehicles die, points are deducted.
Other Mountain Olympic Games
What’s Vancouver got on Gilpin County? Nothing! Our Olympics begin in September and last till May. Our Olympic champions can train year round because it snows here year round. Best of all, anyone can suggest a game for our Olympics. I’ve already had suggestions such as “dog poop scoot” and “Moose jumping.” It takes a certain kind of champion to live around here. We ought to be awarding the gold.
The Dog Poop Scoot
Look the other way, hum a tune.