How much anger is in your bucket?

Jackie Jones
GCN Columnist

02/22/2007 - When I was a school psychologist, I was always looking for better ways to teach children about the mystery of the human experience. When I was teaching fourth graders about conflict management and the anger bucket, I would try to teach children that all feelings are okay. It’s just as okay to feel anger or sad as it is to feel happy. Really, it is. It’s part of the human experience.

   When we talked about feelings in the classroom we would list a dozen or so feelings and after each one I would say, “How many of you have felt this way?”

Everyone would raise their hand, including me. Then I would tell the kids to look around. I would say, “Notice that you’re not the only one to experience uncomfortable feelings.” Some people experience angry and sad feelings more often than others. Sometimes that is related to biochemical differences in the brain, but if it’s not that, it can be related to their self-talk (that internal voice which affects how they feel about things).

   Then I would start drawing pictures on the board and I would bring out props, which would help kids get a visual of this abstract concept. One of my props was a big old red anger bucket. How much anger is in your bucket?

   When children are growing up they start filling their self esteem bucket. They fill it with their self perceptions about basic needs in their lives. The more positive their perceptions are, and the more that those positive perceptions are re-enforced, the more positive their self-esteem becomes. This affects their ability to buffer things that come up in their lives, things that can affect their self-talk, which affects their feelings. Do I have you dizzy yet from all of this circular thinking? It is like a circle and it goes on inside of our heads all day long.

   Next we would talk about conflict situations. It doesn’t have to be a big conflict. It can be a little thing. Let’s say that someone gives some constructive criticism. That can become a conflict situation if the self-esteem is fragile.

   If our self-esteem is fragile, we’re quicker to self-talk our way to those uncomfortable feelings. Insecure, uncomfortable feelings are scary. If we don’t talk about it (either with ourselves), “Now wait a minute self, He didn’t mean that I wasn’t capable as a writer. He was just giving me some suggestions to make my writing better. He cares about me and he wants me to be the best that I can be.”- Or, if we don’t talk to someone else who can give us a similar perspective - if we don’t do something like that we may go to our anger bucket.

   “It’s their fault!” “The teacher hates me.” “I hate him.” “Everybody hates him!” “It’s the teacher’s fault.” “I hate my parents.” “They don’t love me anyway.” “They never say anything good about me!” “It’s the parent’s fault.” “It’s the teacher’s fault.” Do you get it? Do you know anyone like this? They never take the blame for their own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.

   Usually these people are angry often. Anger can give us feelings of power, and it feels a lot better than “I’m not capable.” “People don’t care about me.” “I’m helpless.” “I don’t have power in my life.”

   Here’s the deal, the more fragile our self-esteem, the more we have to go to the anger bucket. I would tell the kids that going to the anger bucket can become a habit. If I have the anger habit, every time I get those scary feelings I don’t try to deal with them in a positive way, I just go to my anger bucket all the time.

   Anger is not a bad feeling. Sometimes it’s very appropriate. When handled in the right way, it can help us get our needs met. It’s just that if you carry around a big old anger bucket all the time, you’re going to be hard to be around because that anger keeps sloshing and splashing and sometimes it makes a big mess. Fragile people often end up together in relationships. Hope they’re not both carrying around big old anger buckets.

   Next week we’re going to talk a little more about the anger habit. Hope you tune in, especially if you know someone with a big old anger bucket.