What’s your style?

Jackie Jones
GCN Columnist

02/08/2007 - Last week we started talking about conflict resolution style. Did you have any conflicts this week? Chances are you did. You’ll also have conflicts next week. That’s good. We’re almost guaranteed to have lots of opportunities to work on healthier ways to handle conflict. The only problem is that some of us stick with the same old unhealthy ways that we learned in childhood or adolescence. That wouldn’t be so bad except that it can set up patterns that lead to unhappiness and dysfunction. To make it worse, we pass these patterns on to our children.

  Okay, you’re really willing to work on this. You see this as an opportunity to make some positive changes in your life and you’re ready to go for it. Wonderful! I need to warn you, it’s not going to be easy. The temptations are huge to slip back into the old ways, but the rewards can be great if you do the work to make the changes. Ready? Here we go.

  First, let’s look at the style that you present to the world. Have you ever noticed that some folks look at people and talk to them in a way that just makes you want to be mad at them? Others are so easy to be around that you want to take them home. It’s no surprise that the first individual is always complaining about conflict.

  It helps if you care about other people. What’s that old saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” That doesn’t mean how much you care about winning your point. It means how much you care about them. Okay, you don’t have to cherish everyone on a personal level, but you do need to care enough to honor others, even those who disagree with you. You need to honor their needs, their fears, and their feelings.

  How do you let them know that you honor them? You listen, with respect. You give good eye contact. You acknowledge their feelings and their views. You present your view in a way that can be heard. You’re articulate and persuasive without using put-downs. No angry accusations. You stay calm and confident. Your self-talk is reassuring. “I can handle this. I know what to do.”

  Don’t get crazed about who’s right and who’s wrong. Remember, everyone thinks that they’re right. They have a different view. Don’t take it personally.

  Find out what everyone needs in order to come out of the conflict feeling okay. Explore a variety of solutions. Look for win/win solutions or compromises. Continue to acknowledge feelings and demonstrate respect and caring until a solution is agreed upon.

  It’s called the needs-based problem-solving conflict resolution style, and it’s a class act. Try it with your family and co-workers. Teach it to your kids. It works.

  It even works when the other individual is using less healthy approaches to conflict. You have to tune in more. Listen to their tone of voice and watch their body language. Validate their feelings. You may need to give them some space and some good body language of your own that they need to calm down. Give them some time to calm down. Don’t enter into a verbal exchange until they are calm. It won’t be productive. Don’t let them suck you into their cadence. You stay calm and wait for them to join you in your problem-solving style.

  Power approaches are seductive for some, but they’re not as useful in the long haul. You always have to be looking over your shoulder for someone else to muster their power move (check the way that they’re running the government these days). The needs-based problem-solving approach leaves everyone feeling respected. Their honor is intact. They’re okay.

  Practice, practice, practice. After awhile, it’ll become second nature to you. Your life will be more peaceful and you’ll be more confident.