Conflict – is it good or bad?

Jackie Jones
GCN Columnist

02/01/2007 - The kids are fighting (again). Your spouse or your significant other has a different priority list for how to spend the limited monthly income. World and national politics as well as different groups in the community become polarized over just about anything. Conflict, it’s everywhere. Does it drive you crazy or do you take it in stride?

  Is conflict good or bad? It depends on how you handle it. Conflicts can be resolved in productive or destructive ways. Conflict can result in positive change.

  What is your conflict resolution style? Your style has a lot to do with how you were raised and significant role models in your childhood. Moms and dads, grandparents, brothers and sisters, teachers and coaches; all are very important role models.

  Your favorite big brother (who drove a way cool car, had the cute girlfriends, took you to ball games and bought you your first beer) also solved conflicts with a loud voice and his fists. You may have developed an aggressive conflict style. It feels comfortable to you and many times it works. You may not have noticed how many times it also gets you in trouble.

  Your mother did most of the nurturing in your family and you were always told that you were just like Mom. If your mother was also conflict avoidant, chances are you feel uncomfortable with conflict and will go out of your way to not confront it. Also, if conflict in your life, particularly in your youth, resulted in emotional or physical abuse for you, this could have caused you to develop a conflict avoidant pattern. If this is your style, you probably bury uncomfortable feelings. You keep the peace but you pay a dear price, possibly with your health.

  If you were raised in a family where one parent was aggressive and the other was passive, at some point you probably identified with one of those styles. If you identified with the aggressive parent, you are probably on the defensive much of the time and respond with aggressive behavior. If you identified with the passive parent, you are always saying you’re sorry. You’re always giving in. Many times passive and aggressive people end up together in a relationship. They not only repeat the cycle from their childhood, but they also pass it on to their children.

  My husband tells me that when the coach yells at the ref from the sidelines, it can be appropriate male behavior and may be a coaching strategy. Okay, I just hope he doesn’t yell at his wife and kids like that, particularly if the kids look up to him as a role model.

  Sometimes the passive approach is effective. Saying “I’m sorry” may diffuse a situation and lead to a calmer time to work things out. However, if that person is always saying “I’m sorry” and not getting their needs met, it’s not healthy.

  Any of these approaches can work some of the time. Each may even be appropriate in different situations. In my way of thinking, the exception is the use of fists. If anger goes that far, it’s out of control. Out of control anger is too dangerous.

  The healthiest approach is to develop a problem-solving conflict resolution style. It’s never too late to try to assess your style. So, think about your style, your presence. I love it. I like to notice body language and how a person presents herself. I like to notice a person’s style.

  It’s never too late to make a conscious effort to choose healthier ways to handle conflict. Remember, your children are watching you to show them how to be.