Survivors help others in a caring community

Jackie Jones
GCN Columnist

01/18/2007 - Have you known individuals who have experienced hardship or tragedy in their lives and have come through it remarkably unscathed? If anything, they seem stronger, wiser and more capable than ever. They are the survivors. We marvel at their resiliency.

  What distinguishes the survivors from those who seem so fragile and unable to handle the bumps and bruises of life? How do we improve the odds that our loved ones and the people of this community will become more resilient? How do we build a network of resiliency? These are important questions. They deserve our attention.

  The key is to know that someone (or better yet, many people) care and can be trusted to be there for a person. This is a little tricky. Remember, we want the individual to learn to trust his or her problem-solving. We want them to stay empowered and to grow in the experience of their strength. We don't want to set up the unhealthy pattern of “rescue me.” Someone to care and be there doesn't mean someone to take over and solve the problem.

  It helps tremendously if survivors already see themselves as empowered persons. They feel that their actions can influence outcomes. They have a sense of cause and effect. Even when the crisis or hardship is unpredictable (as often happens), the person has the behavioral set that they mobilize a sense of "I can handle this. I can problem solve effectively." Yet, they also need to know that they have that safety net of support and caring that we all need.

  People need to see themselves as contributors. Their role in the family and their role in the community should include contributions which add value. Give children and loved ones a great gift. Give them responsibilities that matter. This leads to confidence in their personal capabilities.

  Teach good life skills such as how to make good decisions, conflict resolution skills, how to sustain healthy relationships and refusal skills. Set high expectations. We all have different abilities and different talents, but encourage each individual to strive for his or her personal best. Be realistic, but give the clear message that you believe that those around you will strive for their best. Strive for a level of consistent expectations that reach beyond the boundaries of home, to include the school, sporting events, extra-curricular activities and all areas of our lives. This should include high standards for behavior and respect for one another.

  Provide all people with unconditional love. Expect the best, but let them know that your love is not conditional upon achievement, or behavior, or hair style, or anything else.

  Am I just dreaming or is this within our collective reach? At times it seems like we're almost there. You know how mountain people are. You have to have a sense of resiliency or you don't stay after the first winter and it seems like everyone's willing to help each other. Most of us are strong individuals who've picked up that survivor banner from time to time.

  Here's the secret. Don't let this mountain top living or your strength as an individual isolate you or your neighbors. We're not meant to tough it out alone. We benefit from helping and we benefit from being helped. If we all do our part, it won't be a burden. It will be a blessing. It's called a network of resiliency. It's called a caring community. Reach out. It's going to make you feel good.

  Ladies, February is fast approaching. Don't wait to sign up for our Women's Retreat. It's a chance for a mini getaway. Think about warm and inviting accommodations. Think about good food. Think about opportunities for a massage and the use of the hot tub. Think about sessions which offer you strategies to increase your feelings of well being and strategies to buffer stress. Think of friends you want to call to invite them to join you. Bring your friends and you all get a 10% discount.