Relationships…

Sally Bonkrude
GCN Columnist

2/16/2006 - Valentine's Day has come and gone, so I'm wondering how that relationship of yours is working. How was that Valentine's Day? Actually, if you were depending on this one day to renew your love, I can guarantee your relationship is in trouble. Relationships take work, time, commitment and a joint effort to do everything possible to make it work. Let's look at what I mean.

  Everybody always talks about communication, communication, we need to learn how to communicate! This is true, but the key is actually making time to talk. We just recently shut off our TV and I'm amazed at how much time my husband and I have to talk and get to know each other again. Also, I know couples that have opposite work schedule hours…how can this work for communication? It comes down to making time to communicate. Make it a priority in your life to create space and a time to talk. It seems simple, but for some reason it is often ignored. When we talk about communication, remember, that also means really listening. Instead, what usually happens is that we hear only part of the conversation and immediately launch into our own perception of the situation. We don't understand the underlying feelings, stresses, history and current issues inherent in a simple statement from our partner. So, try repeating what you think you heard from your partner and see if you are even close. Continue repeating until you actually understand what's going on with your partner and then just "be with it." Men especially are fixers, and want to try to fix, give advice, expound with pearls of wisdom, but really what is usually needed is understanding, holding the hope and being supportive in the wisdom of your partner. Dabble in listening and supporting, rather than the "you should" method. When making a comment, try using "I" statements. For example, "I feel really sad about this situation," rather than "You should quit your job and find something better." Work on eliminating the "you should" statements entirely. Connect daily with your partner and talk about what's going on for each of you. Which leads me to the next point, which is to be your partner's cheerleader.

  "You go! Yes, I know you can do it! What do you need from me? Let's make it happen!" How does it feel as you read these words? Wouldn't it be nice to be greeted on a daily basis with this kind of support from your partner? Then, when one of you gets discouraged, the words may sound something like this, "It's okay. We'll get through this. I know that together we can turn it around." Show empathy, take time to listen and then support with words and actions. We have partners because it makes it easier to travel through the pitfalls of life with that loving, supportive partner at our side. Be this partner now!

  It's often little things that make the difference in moving from an "okay" relationship to a great one. My husband takes the dog out every night, makes me a pot of coffee in the morning and actually listens to me, as I go on and on. He never complains about taking George out, he just routinely does it. I notice and am thankful for my husband's actions of love. It's not just talk. What little actions could you do for your partner? It's not just about flowers and chocolate, although that never hurts. It's the routine little things done every day that make a difference.

  Finally, as a couple (don't take friends or family), have time together without distractions. Escape! This doesn't have to be expensive; try hut camping. Have long relaxing days of hot baths, and whatever feels right in the moment. Connect! Pay attention to the needs of each other; explore how you're working as a team. Talk.

  There is a danger in doing this. In getting close and making a real connection, you may discover you don't really like each other. Then it's time to get some help. See a counselor, even if you don't think it will do any good. Sometimes, just by making the phone call, a couple may begin to think, talk, and work things out. Take action; life's too short to live in misery.