Inner balance and harmony?

Sally Bonkrude
GCN Columnist

1/27/05 - Last week, I talked about the multiplicity of the mind and getting to know the many parts you have inside using the “Internal Family Systems” method. If you missed this column and would like a copy you can email me and I’ll send it to you. This week the question is, “How do you work with your parts to create an inner balance and harmony?” It’s often times helpful to work with a counselor with this method to really understand the basics. This is especially true if you’ve had a traumatic past. However if you want to give it a try yourself, begin by creating a map of your parts. So, get a large piece of paper and markers. Next, sit in a comfortable chair and take some deep breathes. Now, relax and listen to your inner thoughts and simply identify what’s going on with you, how do you feel, what are you thinking, and what are you concerned about. Make “I” statements such as, “I’m feeling bored, or tired or sad, etc.” Then, change the “I” statements to, “a part of me is feeling_________.”  Write and/or draw this part on your paper to begin your map. If you feel the part in or around your body in a certain place write or draw it there, if not, just put it anywhere. Please note that some people see parts very clearly: people at different ages or as objects, sometimes even as animals. While other people, have a “sense” of a part or hear them talking. No one way is right. Write down the part's concerns and whatever thoughts it is having. Keep doing this until you feel your map is complete. Most people have 100’s of parts and sometimes lots come up and other times only one or two. All parts are good and those that come up looking scary or extreme have very good reasons for being that way. It’s all OK. Whatever your map looks like is the way it should be. Be open to whatever your unique individual process of working with your parts. 

  After completing the mapping, ask which part needs attention first. Then, in your mind, try to get some separation between you and that part, either by having the part step back or you stepping back.  It may take some negotiation to get space between yourself and your part. It’s fine to have the part sitting close to you or on the floor. Ask yourself, how you are feeling toward the part; this often helps get a little separation also. Be with the part, sending it love, compassion and total acceptance. Ask the part what it needs, and if it doesn’t want to be separate, ask the part what it is afraid will happen. Your parts will be eager to talk and let you know what they need. All you need to do is listen. As you begin to listen to one part, other parts may want to be heard. Let them know you are listening and will get to them at another time; you may even schedule a time with them. Other parts may not want you to work with the part that needs attention, so you may want to listen closely to this part’s concerns first. Do remember to take time to really develop a relationship with your parts. Begin to understand their points of view, desires and how they see themselves. 

  When a part asks for something, like a safe place, a hug or time to play, set up what they need in your mind and let them bask in the joy of getting their needs met. The part may need you to witness a past painful experience it may be carrying or may need to unburden old beliefs and feelings. Always ask the part how they would like to do this and then work with them. Your parts, your body and your mind know what they need to heal, so let them guide you. With love, understanding and the release of old wounds, the part may begin to shift. Let them find a job in your system that better suits their new way of being. Sometimes a part that has been keeping you depressed will lighten and then need to take a vacation. In time, it may come back totally changed ready to, maybe, cheer you up rather then keeping you depressed.

  When you are ready to stop working with your parts, ask them what they need to have happen for closure. Find out their concerns and let them know you will check in with them again. Make appointments to come back and continue to be in relationship with your parts. You may have some extreme parts that feel they need to act out in order to get your attention. Find out what they need so as not to act out.

  This is a great therapeutic model to work with for any problems you may be experiencing, as it allows parts still stuck in the past to heal in their own way. Your system knows what it needs to heal; all you have to do is ask. Begin the journey to know yourself by learning about your parts and experience the comfort of inner peace.

  For more information regarding this subject, contact Sally at Sbonkrude@aol.com.